‘The only constant is change’. Ask yourself, will this matter in one day? One week? One year? When you are faced with a life changing event, inevitably you are faced with a deep-seated fear. These are the ones we don’t want to face, but are called to, because, life. As a species humans are often resilient in the face of fear, however somewhat governed by our impulsive ‘fight or flight’ response. Lately I have been thinking about fears - not necessarily the big life-changing fears - but the everyday fears. The fears we encounter and navigate constantly. We know that fear has helped us get where we are today, but is it slowly deteriorating us in our day-to-day life?
Rational, practical fears ask us to take precautions and be safe. Irrational fears cloud our judgement, immobilise us from living life fully, and keep our minds in the past or future - and they can really mess with how you feel in the present moment. I am far from perfect in this area, it is really something I’m working on. Having written some of this back on the 22nd of March and finishing this post now, I recognise the buoyancy of my words - so here I am writing, still wanting to write and believing these words, but in a very different frame of mind. We certainly all have our up and down days! In my heart I know and believe that if you can change your attitude, approach and attachment to fears, you’ll be able to have a healthier relationship with fear, and a healthier life. Attitude ~ a choice. Attitude is such a noticeable character trait, that when you meet someone new, it is easy to decide whether their general outlook is positive or negative. With everyday fears, when you keep asking ‘what ifs?’ in a negative way, you’ll keep finding negative outcomes to accompany them. Either change it to ‘What if it all goes smoothly’, ‘If I ace the test’. Or as I have started asking myself more and more ‘Why not?!’ #yolo! And also ‘If not now, when?’ Inevitably, there are times that can suck! And they remind you that you haven’t yet felt the whole gamut of feelings your body can feel. Good for you! You’re finding out more about yourself, and being reminded that you’re a beautiful, raw, feeling human being who loves and is loved. But remember: ‘this too shall pass’. I have always loved the quote by Kahil Gibran on joy and sorrow: ‘When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.’ How can we know the fullest of joys, when we haven’t felt the fullest of sorrow? I think the sorrow you feel is carving out more space in your heart for joy. Approach ~ Just get in. Change what you can. And be flexible. We all have a ‘default’, especially in stressful situations. Identify yours. Is your default helping you, or hurting you? Could you choose another way? As soon as you start noticing your default, this awareness helps you to create the change. I’ll give you an example. For many teachers, there are many different ‘triggers’ for stress on any one day. A colleague just discussed one with me yesterday that I was able to empathise with: when technology doesn’t work. You have this amazing lesson planned, it will be engaging for the students because you’re going to show a YouTube clip, get them onto a website to share their feedback and… the sound isn’t working, the students can’t get onto the website… and there you are scrunching up your fists, sighing... I’ve also noticed that for many of my creative friends, there are times when we are too precious about not releasing something into the world until it is ‘perfect’, ‘just right’. But what is ever perfect? People don’t generally like perfect, they like different… because fact: the way you present yourself, your style your brand is going to be different than everyone else out there, because you are you. What I’m saying is - try not to wait! Just jump in, learn as you go, make connections and the rest will flow. It’s kind of like me, jumping into the Yarra River as a kid. You DEFINITELY can’t see the bottom, you don’t know what creatures you’ll encounter, if your feet will stick in the mud, if you catch a snag, sink or swim. As scary and thrilling as it is, you take a leap, and you’re in! You can’t help but be beconned by the cool, refreshing flow of water, the flow of life. Once your in the water, you’ll float, you’ll be taken by the current and you’ve got a new perspective. Jump in! Attachment ~ Create (and re-create) your own path: Non-attachment ‘The only constant is change’. Ask yourself, will this matter in one day? One week? One year? Many of our worries when shared become smaller. Call up a friend and try and get some perspective on your fear. In the last 24 hours I have been blessed with many conversations with friends and family that have helped me sort out lots of things. If we’re constantly hanging out in our fear brain, how can we be appreciating the now? Programs like the resilience project invite you to write down three things you’re grateful for each day. Research says that by making some time for this practice will increase your happiness and your quality of life - most probably making those fears smaller. While goal setting is important, knowing that the road to achieving something is going to dip and turn can be helpful if we are going to bounce back from the difficulties that lie ahead. If you write your fears down and read them back a week later, are they really that scary? If you write your goals down and a week later they’ve changed, then so have you, and they surely will too. Lastly, I have this quote on my wall - ‘Action conquers fear’ (Peter Nivio Zarlenga) - once you create awareness, you can create change and take action. P.s. There is such a range of apps and sites we can tap into at the moment to help with this stuff. Some of them I know of are: The Resilience Project Reachout.com ‘s Worry Time and Breathe, among many others Headspace Smiling Mind 1 Giant Mind #fears #faceyourfears #theresilienceproject #awareness #mindfulness #attitude #approach #attachment #mindfulness
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"...many people, once faced with this label, furiously start treading water in the game of life..." If I am the longest relationship Many people fear being \single\. This label. This label we give people who are not in an intimate relationship with another human being, at some stage in their life. This label, most people think, is a waiting stage, to when you’ll again be \in a relationship\. Yet there are many circumstances why we may not be in this relationship mode, living out our life in the truest, most fullest way, as a \single\ human being. For some reason our society has conjured up that this \single\ life is lesser than \being in a relationship\ and for that reason, many people, once faced with this label, furiously start treading water in the game of life, with fear in the driver seat, whites of their eyes bulging, hoping they won’t sink. And this strikes me as one of the most unhealthy things we can do to ourselves. Yes, as humans, we long for shared intimacy - be that of familial love or romantic love - we are wired this way. But the fear that’s been generated about the time spent ‘alone’ I feel is unhealthy, and comes at the expense of really finding out and being comfortable with your own, true self. Sometimes we learn this the hard way. Some people, for whatever reason, grow up feeling relatively comfortable in their own skin: they back themselves, they know that though they may have doubts, but their true, inner self won’t be swayed by the world around them. In contrast, as is being seen more and more in our contemporary world, many people manifest underlying judgements of themselves, using constant comparisons, provoking fear of failure, anxiety… the list goes on… and this is weighing heavily in our social consciousness. The wellness industry is one of the most profitable in the world to date, with a market of over 3 trillion US dollars worldwide in 2017 (2). We are scrambling to \fix\ ourselves, but where did the problems start? Well, can I ask, do you, really and truly, love yourself? And if you do, when did you start loving, or really appreciating yourself? Has it always been this way? I know for myself, that the biggest growth period for me in my life has been the three years plus I have been *shock, horror* \single\. Why? I have come to truly love myself. These things I have found while I have been \single\: I have taken more risks, I have laughed more at myself, I have enjoyed time alone more, I have appreciated time with others more, I have done more for myself, I have created a vision for my life, I have challenged myself, I have allowed myself to grieve, I have found out how to best self-soothe, I have created clarity, I have aligned my life with purpose. I believe loving yourself should not be something to squirm about. It should be celebrated more. As should our time we spend \single\. I know that self-love is in front of you, ready to be hugged, especially while you are blessed with some time to be \single\. I’m not saying this is not possible as part of a partnership, or relationship, I’m just saying you find this out when you stop treading water. when you realise, we were made to float. |
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